Nicola Haken Monthly Author Column


**TCO is always excited to have Nicola Haken with us. She is such a great friend to the blog, and a wonderful person and author as well. 


The Nicola Haken Pocket Dictionary


First things first, music. As I write this month’s post I’m currently listening to Jesus He Knows Me by Genesis. I’m also singing to it. Loudly. I wonder if that’s why my cat’s staring at me like she wishes I was dead. She clearly doesn’t appreciate my talent.

Now that’s out the way, let’s get to the actual post. I live in this little country you might’ve heard of called England. I’ve been told we talk weird over here, though personally I think it’s all the peeps across the pond who talk funny. You know, all you guys who are too lazy to use the U in your spelling. 😉 And the Z’s instead of S’s? What’s all that about, eh? Anyway, every one of my books contain British characters, therefore British language and Britishisms which I’ve been told have confused some of you! So I thought for this month’s post I’d put together a handy little translation guide featuring some of the words I use on a daily basis.

The first thing you need to do when you imagine me talking is scrap the idea that I speak like the Queen. I don’t. I’m common as shit. I often toy with the idea of doing one of those talking to my readers video things on Facebook like some other authors do, but then I realise I’d have to brush my hair, and so I save it for another day which never arrives.

So, I think we know all the main ones, right? Like, chips/fries. Boot/trunk. Lift/elevator. Pavement/sidewalk etc. Below are the ones I’ve had people question me about, or ones people have told me they’ve had to Google! I’ve also included a few which are upcoming in the Counting series which I think might have a few of you scratching your heads too J

  • Chufties: To ‘get the chufties’ means to be ‘chuffed’ about something! To be ‘chuffed’ about something means to be really happy about it. For example, when my Pride Chucks arrived I was seriously chuffed, and when they fit (despite my monstrously wide feet!) I got the proper chufties!
  • Mint: Awesome! Eg. Those new shoes look mint!
  • Knackered: Tired/exhausted
  • Hump: Bad mood. Saying ‘I’ve got the right hump’ didn’t get the response I hoped for from my American friend not so long ago!
  • Strop: Also bad mood. Eg. She’s in a right strop today.
  • Nowt: Nothing
  • Minging: Disgusting/horrible
  • Manky: Also means Disgusting/horrible
  • Butty: Sandwich
  • Jammy: Lucky. Eg. If you won a tenner on the lottery you would be a jammy sod!
  • Muffin: Now, this one is debatable across the UK and I have, in fact, had many a heated argument amongst my friends. A muffin is a round piece of bread which you make a butty (sandwich) out of and don’t let anyone else tell you differently. Yes, sweet muffins with chocolate chips/blueberries inside are also muffins, but they are chocolate chip muffins, blueberry muffins etc. DO NOT let the anti-muffin brigade try and fool you with their ridiculous bap/barm/roll nonsense!
  • Naff: Rubbish. Eg. These cheap pens are naff.
  • Nick: Steal
  • Row: (rhymes with cow) Argument
  • Bellend: Literally – The head of a penis. Most used to mean tosser, nob head, wanker, stupid person, idiot. (Although if Denise Shirley Carter asks it means wonderful friend, okay?)
  • Nob: Penis. There’s a debate in the UK whether it’s spelled with a K or not. I’m an anti-K-er through and through! There is no K in NOB. Just putting that out there.
  • Ballsed up: Gone wrong/made a mistake
  • Sod it: I give up
  • Boff/boffin: Nerd/geek
  • Kecks: Trousers
  • Ta: Thank you
  • Wanksplat: Literally – the resulting splat at the end of a wank. Most commonly used as insult for a stupid person. Eg. “Shut up, you wanksplat.”
  • Wankstain: Refer to wanksplat
  • Spunk: Semen. This language difference always makes me giggle when I read it in American books. But, I’m immature like that.
  • Kip: Sleep/nap
  • Bloke: Man
  • Skint: Poor
  • Summat: Something
  • Muppet: Stupid person
  • Wonky: Uneven/unstable. Eg. That table is a bit wonky, put a book under the leg.
  • Mard/mardarse: Wimp. For the record, I’m a total mardarse.
  • Lurgy: Sick/poorly. “I’ve got the lurgy.”
  • Whatever, Trevor: This just means whatever. That’s it. Trevor isn’t a person, his name simply rhymes with whatever. I actually put this in one of my books once though and three of my betas thought I’d put the wrong name as a typo so I removed it to save confusion!
  • Fanny: Vagina
  • Scran (northern English): Food
  • Tosser: Idiot
  • Nobhole: Fanny. Also, idiot.
  • Bobby: Policeman
  • Fire Bobby: Fireman
  • On my Billy/On my Todd: On my own. Poor Billy and Todd, whoever they are, must have no friends L
  • Fag: Cigarette. I think most people know this one, but did you know that faggots are also a kind of pork meatball in gravy over here? I’ve never tasted one because they look disgusting. Seriously, there isn’t enough money in the world that you could pay me to put a faggot in my mouth. Blurgh.

I think that’s it. Have I missed any? If you think of any more just ask and I’ll set you straight! As always, thank you for reading my ramblings. If you enjoy watching me talk about random nonsense make sure you follow me on social media, or sign up to my newsletter. I’m not always interesting, but I give away free stuff (I’m not opposed to bribery) and free stuff’s always good, right?! 😉


Until next time, I love you!


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